To conform or not to conform

The subject of conformity has shadowed me all my life, either one in which I could hide in or one that I cast.

I read Jae Lynn’s post on Conformity Not Required, where she related to the difficulties her son has in managing in conventional social settings, like school. Here he is unable to conform and this is then considered unacceptable, even “naughty” I’d guess. My son has similar difficulties why perhaps this stood out to me.

Often non-conformity is portrayed in the context of choice, deliberately acting against the norm. Where this behaviour is considered uncomfortable to others or inconvenient, the person is considered a rebel.  Where their choice has no direct impact on others, they are described as non-conformists.

Reflecting on my life, I can see examples where I have found myself in all three settings; unable to conform, choosing an alternate path or rebelling. 

I think early on in my life, it became evident that there were two ways to draw attention, entertain others or miss-behave, and often I witness people doing both. As a more introverted person, drawing attention to myself was something I avoided. By people that  saw me growing up, they would refer to me as a polite, well behaved child. A more accurate description would be someone who was successful at not drawing too much attention to themselves. Hiding in the shadow of conformity.

It’s impossible for me to completely live in the shadows, many of my actions or opinions stand out too far and these then cast their own shadows drawing unwanted attention. This is the juggling act I constantly perform. 

I will conclude with the words from a sketch I saw illustrated in a newspaper cartoon.

Me: Hi Friend, what are you wearing ?
Friend: Hi there, this is my uniform.
Me: Uniform, what uniform?
Friend: I joined the army of non-conformity.

Professional Attraction

I wrote a short fictional piece about acting on secret sexual attraction while talking to a colleague on a video call. This recalled memories of previous interactions with some colleagues over my working experience.

I have previously said and also pondered on the thought that those women who I have good personal or professional relations with, I also have had some level of sexual attraction to.

I find myself sexually attracted to females, this is the context through which I process these thoughts. I would be interested to hear from people who can’t relate to this post or those people that have different sexual identities to me.

Although interesting, in this quick post I am not diving into the reasons for why I feel this way, it’s about how I feel and is this “appropriate”.

I have been doing mandatory corporate training on “Building Inclusive Teams”. There is a scenario where a male employee will not go on an overnight business trip with a female colleague who is the business expert in the required area. They give the reason that they don’t want to be in a situation where they are tempted into something inappropriate.

My immediate response with this scenario was that it’s unacceptable behaviour from the male employee. Their idea’s around temptation are completely their own and in no way should they exclude any employee who is best suited for a particular task. 

Related to this is my experience with the kinky Twitter and Blogging communities, where people are very open about their sexual lives, needs and desires.  Where you might relate to and share kinks with others, it does not in any way imply that they want you to “give it to them”. I love the experience of sharing the same turn-ons alongside others without the need for there to be anything more than a shared interest.

I have come to think that there can exist healthy one or two sided sexual attractions along with other shared interests with those people who you’re friends with or that you may work with. This energy can find all manner of productive and creative outlets.

Do I believe

In the beginning … I was brought up in a charismatic Christian household where religion was a bad word and the established denominations were considered outdated and out of touch. This was my world, twice every Sunday for the formative years of my life.  Although strict and conservative, there was no topic forbidden from discussion, the rigid view on faith was always tempered with tolerance and love for thy neighbour. Did this experience shape me and my views on religion and spirituality, hell yes it did.

Belief in a certain religious doctrine is an extremely personal and subjective thing. For some people it’s part of their identity and for others,  it gives them a place to belong. This is exactly where I fell through the cracks, I found myself more of an observer rather than a participant. It’s from this vantage point that I developed my own views from an inside-outside perspective.

There are a number of contradictions non-Believers like to level at the Bible and other Religious literary works and institutions. There’s a plethora of reasons and evidence they provide and one of these is the use of metaphors. In addition, there is also a question on the authenticity of religious beliefs and historical accounts. More acutely, they question the relevance of central beliefs in a modern world. 

Do I think that the earth was created in six days, no. Do I think the concept of evolution is from the devil no I don’t. Do I think that there is a rational and scientific disconnect from literal interpretations, of course I do. Many of my own observations made me question the rules and conventions of my Christian upbringing. Does any of this matter to me, no not really. Do I lose a night’s sleep over this, no I did not.

Why do I consider myself a believer in God or the supernatural when I acknowledge the accusations made by others and when I saw things that made me question what I was taught.  I guess the reason is that I consider myself a spiritual person, I feel a connection to the supernatural. I do not need rational proof or accepted doctrine to feel this connection. 

For me what people believe in is personal to them, sure my beliefs have been shaped by my environment. If I am honest, of course I have a view on someone else’s beliefs and how I perceive that they arrived at those beliefs. But it does not matter, what they believe in, does in no way impact on me. I am not threatened by the beliefs of others.

I would not call myself a practicing Christian, do I do things that are frowned upon, oh definitely. Are other beliefs inferior or wrong, I have no idea and no rational way of answering that question. I heard once that if you can be convinced to believe in something as the result of a well structured argument, then there will always be an ever better argument that can be used to change your mind.  

Reading again over what I’ve written so far, I don’t know if my words come across as the ramblings of a confused non-conformist ex-Christian. In my own mind and something I enjoy talking about on a one to one basis, seems really hard to articulate in words.

From my spiritual core, yes I do believe in a higher power, the supernatural . There are many stories and texts from the Bible that I find resonates with my spirituality. Does it make these words universally true, no it doesn’t. However I find peace and guidance in them and that works for me.

Grace be with you all. Amen.

F4Thought

My prayer’s for you

On this Sunday morning as I begin my day, carnal desires seems like a distant hum. My thoughts are of you, with all of you . To you with a special special place in my heart and to those unknown.

You carry the same anxieties and fears we all have, yet day after day you begin your shift on the frontline. All I can offer is my thanks, my deep appreciation for the job you do so well.

I pray that you that you have the strength to carry you through and that you get the peace of mind to rest, to fight another day.

Sunday prayers

Sinful Sunday

F4Thought

My Confession

Each morning stepping into the temple of flowing water and steam. Entering my meditation, showers of sensations drown all my senses. I have to confess, my thoughts turn to you, my desires are amplified.  Primal urges draw my hand to stroke my cock, the grip intensified by my need for you. 

I close my eyes leaning into you, desiring to feel more. I invert my hand, my thumb towards the base of my shaft. As I stroke, the sensation from the top of my penis is like then welcoming clasp of your sex and waves of pleasure travel across my body.  I have to confess, I can’t hold back, my hips driving my cock harder, fucking you with complete abandon. 

I can feel an orgasm is near, a pending hit of pleaser and clarity targeting my brain, my daily fix. My eyes open to witness the explosion of release, the manifested metaphor of my desire. The universe pauses and for a moment in time everything makes sense, everything in its place.

I step from the shower, wrap myself in contemplation as the world awakens. My day can begin, my penance is served.