Today I ready a blogpost from @5ubmissy, Pleasure and subspace . She talks about experiencing ultimate pleasure in letting go.
“My need for control means that actually I don’t seem to get properly lost in pleasure unless I have given control of myself up completely. I need to feel the sense of abandon which comes from giving in and allowing myself to exist in a space where I respond entirely to someone else.”
There is a lot in the psychology of this post that resonates with me.
I have always felt the need to be in control or choice not to be in control, which is just another form of control in itself. This is a character trait that others close to me have always at some point commented on, “quietly domineering”. An example of this is in group situations where I am unfamiliar with the members of the group. Initially my reserved nature comes out and I sit back observing the group, keeping my opinions to myself. I choose to relinquish, I listen to the more assertive characters and observe the body language of the fellow quieter ones. I then slowly, carefully and deliberately start asserting myself. When the direction of the group is not heading where I think is best, my dominance then begins to supersede my reservedness.
I find that always being in control to be mentally and emotionally tiring and impossible to withdraw from. This is mainly because this all takes place internally and I can’t escape.
During a conversation today, I noted that I felt restless and mentioned a few thoughts as to why I might feel that way. On reflection and after reading @5ubmissy’s post, I wonder if I am needing to left go, if I am needing release.
Before I accumulated responsibilities for the wellbeing of others (parenthood), my goto form of letting go was extreme sports. Activities that caused excitement and adrenaline to course through by being. Often these had an element of life threatening risk and required an active choice to let go.
In my recent post Post workout meditation, I mentioned how certain workouts cleared my mind. Running was mentioned, but also lifting heavy weights, karate and cycling have similar effects. Although regular workouts have a centring and rebalancing effect on my mental and emotional health, they never provide the deep clean and purge of the stresses that build up over time.
The ritual of packing my chute, the smell of aviation fuel is enough to get my heart racing, my mind going through all the permutations of outcome of why climbing into the aircraft is not a good idea. Every fold of the parachute and every step towards the plane is a deliberate act I choose to continue with. The ride to altitude for me is unpleasant as is the anticipation of the canopy ride before landing, this because I get motion sickness.
I get the signal to leave the plan, I get a sudden overwhelming feeling of peace, nothing matters. I exit, my existence becomes still. I feel weightless, literally and figuratively. For the next few seconds I submit myself to gravity, I surrender control. Every stress, every worry I possess, I give up too.
Back safely on the ground, the reality is nothing has changed but yet everything has changed. My mind, soul and emotions seemed have found order.
So perhaps this is the reason for my restlessness, I need order, I need to shore up the foundations I require to continue my existence of being in control.
I’d love to hear from you, what to you need to find order in your life and how do you find it.