The pain I feel keeps me alive

It is a joy to have someone in your life there for you 100% even when you can’t always reciprocate. At first thoughts you might think that there’s an imbalance here. You would be correct.

The product of this imbalance goes both ways and is experienced differently by each.   Although tide together by a strong sense of connection and purpose, there is a longing always desiring for more that produces a pain. A pain that straddles time and space, one that is soul deep.

This pain emanating from the elastic bonds that tie us together. Stretching and contracting, yet always holding fast. For me this sometimes manifesting as a dull ache, an emotional longing and also a sensual arousal.

I don’t see this pain as a cost worthwhile to bear, it is a life giving force.

Complication: Is simplification even possible?

Complication: Is simplification even possible?

Reading a few of the other posts for this weeks #WickedWednesday prompt: complication, has invoked a few thoughts of my own.

What does complication denote to me? To me it screams simplification is required.

Can simplification be achieved and is it even worth attempting? This is where the real complexity resides. Reducing complexity and improving efficiency is what I do for a day job. In my personal life however, I seem to operate in precisely they opposite direction, I am a magnet of complexity, perhaps even a blackhole dense with all matter of complexity.  Delving into the fully gravity of my dense blackhole, is a study for another time. I digress though, let’s return to the subject of “Is simplification even possible”.

Like most of life’s experiences, everything is relative. What appears hard to me may be equally as hard as 10 fold the same thing to another. The level of hard we both feel is the same.

This post from PurpleSoul: Complicated: Names of littlegem, prompted me to consider the compartmentalisation in my own life. This dimension of complexity, I probably struggle most with.

I can crudely divide my life into these categories: professional, parent/family, friends, private musings, anonymous writer. There are demands, desires and needs  that are unique to to each of these identities, all of which complete the puzzle that is me. My personal battle with this complexity is that I’m developing a resistance to stop maintaining all these lenses into my life. Is it possible only to have one focal point to the world?

In my attempt to answer the question, yes I do think simplification is possible. It is always possible, but at a cost. The strongest urge  in my life, to provide a stable environment for my young children, providing them with a steady foundation to launch their lives. My natural instinct is that the benefit of providing this for my children at this point in time, is worth the cost of the complexity I bear.

For now, I am best experienced through a kaleidoscope to get the full picture of me. One day perhaps we all, can enjoy my fulness of being through a single telescope. You, my children and I.


Musings: Pleasure from a nipple

The summer holidays in my life can be unsettled due to a change in routine and a house constantly fully of people, especially as I work from home. There’s a silver lining; no morning madness, rushing about getting everyone fed, organised and off to school. With the house still in slumber, I get this time all to myself.

During this morning’s quiet time, I saw a few #TittyTuesday posts and thought about how beautiful a woman’s body is and why don’t we see many pictures of male chests especially focused on nipples.

So as one thought leads to the next, I started wondering about male nipple arousal and recalling the times when my nipples have been caressed and kissed.

The are two area’s of my body that I find exceptionally intimate and either love being touched or can’t stand being touched, there’s no middle ground. No, none of these are my penis, they are my hair and my nipples. Most of the time, outside of passionate arousal or post coital bliss, I find the touch to these parts uncomfortable.

Ha, writing the previous paragraph above has just enlightened me some something. I’ve had partners who I now realise probably feel the same about touch to various parts of their bodies.  I could never reconcile why a partner never liked their face touched or nipples caressed, when at other times it was like pouring petrol onto a fire. I realise that I’ve the answer all along!


Free the male nipple

Hump day musings

These humps have helped me through many ups and downs in life, sometimes softening the fall and often providing the strength to stand up. This arse has been kicked, caned, kissed and caressed , a steadfast part of who I am and for sure, will always be a part of many more ups and downs.



Release and letting go

Release and letting go

Today I ready a blogpost from @5ubmissy, Pleasure and subspace . She talks about experiencing ultimate pleasure in letting go.

“My need for control means that actually I don’t seem to get properly lost in pleasure unless I have given control of myself up completely. I need to feel the sense of abandon which comes from giving in and allowing myself to exist in a space where I respond entirely to someone else.”

There is a lot in the psychology of this post that resonates with me.

I have always felt the need to be in control or choice not to be in control, which is just another form of control in itself. This is a character trait that others close to me have always at some point commented on, “quietly domineering”. An example of this is in group situations where I am unfamiliar with the members of the group. Initially my reserved nature comes out and I sit back observing the group, keeping my opinions to myself. I choose to relinquish, I listen to the more assertive characters and observe the body language of the fellow quieter ones.  I then slowly, carefully and deliberately start asserting myself. When the direction of the group is not heading where I think is best, my dominance then begins to supersede my reservedness.

I find that always being in control to be mentally and emotionally tiring and impossible to withdraw from. This is mainly because this all takes place internally and I can’t escape.

During a conversation today, I noted that I felt restless and mentioned a few thoughts as to why I might feel that way. On reflection and after reading @5ubmissy’s post, I wonder if I am needing to left go, if I am needing release.

Before I accumulated responsibilities for the wellbeing of others (parenthood), my goto form of letting go was extreme sports. Activities that caused excitement and adrenaline to course through by being.  Often these had an element of life threatening risk and required an active choice to let go.

In my recent post Post workout meditation, I  mentioned  how certain workouts cleared my mind. Running was mentioned, but also lifting heavy weights, karate and cycling have similar effects. Although regular workouts have a centring and rebalancing effect on my mental and emotional health, they never provide the deep clean and purge of the stresses that build up over time.

The ritual of packing my chute, the smell of aviation fuel is enough to get my heart racing, my mind going through all the permutations of outcome of why climbing into the aircraft is not a good idea. Every fold of the parachute and every step towards the plane is a deliberate act I choose to continue with. The ride to altitude for me is unpleasant as is the anticipation of the canopy ride before landing, this because I get motion sickness.

I get the signal to leave the plan, I get a sudden overwhelming feeling of peace, nothing matters. I exit, my existence becomes still.  I feel weightless, literally and figuratively. For the next few seconds I submit myself to gravity, I surrender control. Every stress, every worry I possess, I give up too.

Back safely on the ground,  the reality is nothing has changed but yet everything has changed. My mind, soul and emotions seemed have found order.

So perhaps this is the reason for my restlessness, I need order, I need to shore up the foundations I require to continue my existence of being in control.

I’d love to hear from you, what to you need to find order in your life  and how do you find it.